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Time to Reboot

January 15, 2011

Here I am starting all over again… again.

My bags are packed and ready or not, I’m on my way to London. I feel ill. Some people relish the thought of a fresh start, a clean slate, but I promise you that a good many of those people would feel just as queasy and panicked as I do now if they were actually faced with it. I want to vomit. Literally.

This year it’s all about taking responsibility. It’s about holding myself accountable for all that I am, all that I’m not and all that I become. I wasted a lot of time over the last few years blaming someone else for the pain I was in and the growing lack of confidence and direction I was suffering from. Truth is… no matter what someone else does or doesn’t do, it’s not their responsibility to take care of us or to ‘fix us’. This is a difficult concept for me to grasp as I am a care-giver; I enjoy taking care of others and helping them. I do it naturally… instinctively. Not everyone feels that way though. And some problems, you just have to fix on your own.

I have to find an apartment (sharing with flatmates as rent is astronomical in London), I have to find a job (doing exactly what I’m not sure yet) and get my life back on track. Me. I have to do that. I’d much rather help others and it’s not just because of that care-giver thing; it’s because when it’s your own life, your own problems, your own aspirations… it’s damn scary and I am truly frightened. I want someone to hold my hand, but there is no one and I’m just going to have to learn to lean on myself. There’s no one to hide behind anymore. I’m just going to have to stand there out in the cold and battle things on my own.

When things don’t work on your computer, you reboot and hope things work out. So I guess that’s where I’m at now; I’ve been through the ‘shut down’ and I’m trying to load back up again. And I’m really hoping that this time round, I’ll get it right.

 

N

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